7 Line Plays
by Anthony Proctor
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Art
Old Man: That ain't art! Young Man: It is. It got a write up in The Guardian Old Man: It's a shoe on top of a pile of books. Young Man: It's framed, sort of Old Man: I don't understand it. Young Man: I don't think you're supposed to understand it. Old Man: It doesn't make me feel anything Not quite hitting the spot Man: Yes, Yes, Yes Woman: Stop Man: What? Woman: I said stop Man: I'm nearly there Woman: Well this whole 2 minuets has done nothing for me. Man: oh. Waiting Time Bob: You know John, it seams like we have been here an awfully long time John: We were warned. Weren't you warned? I was warned Bob: Yes but you know, I didn't think that they were serious. John: Would you like my chair? Bob: No it's fine I'll lean. I mean I've leant for this long I don't suppose a few more minutes will hurt. John: Might be hours Bob: Hours? I don't really think that this is worth it if the wait is hours. You'll never be King Prince: Daddy, I'm gay King: That's wonderful son, happiness is hard to find and you should grasp it with both hands Price: I'd like him to spend the summer with us. King: Him who Eddy? Prince: My boyfriend. I'm gay and I have a boyfriend King: Right, and what does your mother think about this? (Enter the Queen, having overheard) Queen: Mummy thinks that you can never have too many men about the house. War or Terrorism? Irishman: For God President: For freedom Israeli: For Country Tribesman: For my people Sceptic: For oil Realist: For power Child: For peace #truth Hero: I'm brave as long as I've got someone else to put in front of the danger Politician: I'm honest as long as nobody finds out the truth Footballer: I'm faithful because I'm not really in a committed relationship Banker/BBC executive/Tabloid Editor: (In chorus) I'm generous with my greed Consumer: I'm content with my insatiable hunger Single Mother: I worry about nothing Artist: I'm happiest when I'm in tears. Dormiveglia Powers: Shhhh don't wake him Principalities: He's sleeping sound enough Powers: Give him this Qaphsiel: Is he ready? Principalities: The Almighty said he is ready. Give him his gift. Qaphsiel: Let us be sure Powers: Here bestowed is a heavenly dream. To be used between waking and sleeping. Use it well. Flown the nest Gary: Can we get out of here as soon as possible Louise: Are you ready now? Gary: I was ready half an hour ago. Let's go. I can't bare to see her cry. Louise: Well say good bye then Gary: Mum, I'm going now. I will see you soon, ok. Claire: Will you come for your tea on Sunday? Gary: Maybe. Let me see how I settle in. I'll see you soon though. Duplicate Deliveries Gladys: I'm sure I've had this one before Margret: No you can't have, this one's brand new Gladys: But I've see it before. Margret: How could you have seen it before? They've only just come out. Gladys: It's got the same pattern. I'm sure I've opened one like this before Margret: Well get the other one then. We can compare them Gladys: I would, but I can't for the life of me remember where I've put it. No H8 Elton: You anal astronaut, you batty boy, you Fudge packer, nancy boy. Oliver: You're a shirt lifting sausage jockey, Oklahomo faggot Feddie: A bent, pansy, poof. George: Arse bandit, Bum boy Quentin: A Fairy, A Fruit Ian: You disgust me you Rump Ranger Peter: Uphill gardening's you're favourite pursuit. In one breath Victory: I once was alone in the desert and a man as tall as a tree approached me and said I am here to show you the way home I looked at him with a wince through the sun and I shouted as loud as my parched voice would allow I said under no circumstance am I going back to that place I will not go with you and I do not need your direction for if you give it to me I shall only go the other way and the man as tall as a tree said if you run far enough in the wrong direction you will find your way home so I stayed here in the desert hiding in the sand dunes and I knew that one day you would come. And here you are. Tick...tock Jonesy: They don't get shot 'til ten fifteen. Dirk: On the dot. Jonsey: I want confirmation Baz: Jonesy lad, ye don't 'ave t' do this. Yer jokin' right? Come 'ed. pleaze. Mate just think abar this. Jonesy: Ten. Fifteen Baz: but me kidz lad. Me kidz. Jonesy: You should have thought about your 'kidz' before rippling me off. (To Dirk) Stop his whining and do a knee now. My Own. Personal. Yoda. (Facebook words of inspiration from Rikki Beadke-Blair) Rikki: Do the right thing and refuse to be tempted. Follow your soul's path and decline to be distracted. Live a strengthening life and avoid the things that weaken. Searching for short cuts wastes time - scams are soul-stealers. The swiftest way to true happiness is the hardworking road. Do the work you know is right without resentment. With effort comes wisdom. With sweat comes satisfaction. Success is built from focus and flexibility. Build yourself, be yourself. Stay young. Stay passionate. Stay free. Become the right one and the right ones will find you. Stay on the right path and the right journey will find you. |
Shoes
Adam: If I’d like them I’d suck their nose. Most of them had never experienced that before. It was my USP. They’d remember if we’d chat online after, I could say, I’m the one who sucked your nose and he’d say ‘ah right. Yeah. I remember.’ Then I’d make a joke about the number of men they have on their mind. And they’d laugh. Romance is dead. I’ve always known that really. When I was dating, I’d never stay over. It was a rule. There’s nothing worse than the walk of shame. Have a good time, have a shower and leave. Always. Leave my email address, run my hands through his hair and leave. Always. Blind Date Anthony: I going to write down the first seven lines of our dialogue and submit them for an art installation curated by the Everyman and Playhouse Theatre and LIPA Timothy: That's the most romantic thing someone has ever said to me. Anthony: It's true! Timothy: We better make them good then Anthony: Na, I doubt anyone will read this one Timothy: Why's that? Anthony: I don't know, who wants to read about my blind dates? Would you like a latte or a cappuccino? Late Business Man: (pulling up his trousers) I'm so sorry, I'm running late and my maps app has broken. Office worker: It's ok would you make it in the next half an hour (gestures for the secretary to resume sexual actions under the table) or would you like to reschedule. Business man: if the traffic is good, I'll make it Office worker: Well get your skates on old boy Business Man: If I don't make office hours should we meet in the club? Office worker: Not tonight, I have duties at home to perform, can't get out of them unfortunately. Business man: sure thing, I'll be there. World Voice one: Feed Me Voice two: Cure me Voice three: Hear me Voice four: Love me Voice five: Free me Voice six: Don't change me Voice seven: See what you've done Nerves Stage left: What if he doesn't like you? Stage Right: what if he doesn't look like you thought he would Stage left: He is going to hate what you are wearing Stage Right: You should of had a longer shower Stage left: he's right, you should of had a longer shower Stage right: what is he going to say about you? Stage left: he's not even going to stop. He'll walk right past you. Pro Bono Man 1: I'm done. Man 2: That was quick, what's the damage? Man 1: well this one is for free Man 2: Free? Man 1: Didn't they tell you? Man 2: I don't think so Man 1: Yes, part of my community service Moon Terry: the moon is my favourite thing in the sky Maddie: you what? Terry: It is, look at it Maddie: (Laughs historically) You're stupid. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Terry: Oh, look. It's gone in now. You've offended it. Maddie: Me? Terry: Yes, you. You can't laugh at the moon. He doesn't like it. Resignation John: I'm leaving. I can't work here any more. Steve: Well good luck. Thank you for your hard work. It's the end of an era. John: The end of an era? I never really thought of it like that Steve: you'll be missed John: I've changed my mind. I'd like to stay. Steve: I've already accepted your request I'm afraid. You have 30 days left. John: But what about my era? In Kind Carl: I'm really enjoying this date Alan: Me too, it's really nice meeting someone normal for a change. Carl: So, I was going to ask, would you be okay paying me a bit of cash to suck my cock and that? I really need it right now. Alan: What? No. Carl: Not even five pounds? Alan: I don't pay for sex. Carl: I was only asking. Drunk Oddie: I've only had two Manny: Two barrels Oddie: two units, who's counting? Manny: I'm counting, you've had more than two Oddie: how many? Manny: How many? At least four Oldie: See. It's you seeing double. Not me. Upon a quandary Joe: I've never been asked that before Tom: I think that I need sometime to come up with an answer Joe: I just can't work it out now Tom: When we've double checked it, we will let to know Joe: we want to be sure Tom: We don't want to get it wrong Joe: At this stage, it is about being precise, rather than rushing headlong into something. Eye of the Beholder Queen (male): Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest one of all? Mirror (female): It's not you Queenie, your ankles are too thick, you have a hairy chin and you look like a brick Queen: My mother said beauty lies within Mirror: And even your insides are as black as Sin Queen: I've worked hard to mend my ways, I haven't ordered an execution in one hundred days Mirror: O Queen, forgive me. I had no idea, still the dungeon's full. I do find that queer. Queen: Mirror, Mirror I don't care what you speak. You came from Ikea and your judgement is weak. |