Anthony Proctor
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7 Line Plays
by Anthony Proctor

Art
Old Man: That ain't art! 

Young Man: It is. It got a write up in The Guardian

Old Man: It's a shoe on top of a pile of books.

Young Man: It's framed, sort of

Old Man: I don't understand it.

Young Man: I don't think you're supposed to understand it.

Old Man: It doesn't make me feel anything

Not quite hitting the spot
Man: Yes, Yes, Yes

Woman: Stop

Man: What?

Woman: I said stop

Man: I'm nearly there

Woman: Well this whole 2 minuets has done nothing for me. 

Man: oh.

Waiting Time
Bob: You know John, it seams like we have been here an awfully long time

John: We were warned. Weren't you warned? I was warned

Bob: Yes but you know, I didn't think that they were serious.

John: Would you like my chair? 

Bob: No it's fine I'll lean. I mean I've leant for this long I don't suppose a few more minutes       will hurt.

John: Might be hours 

Bob: Hours? I don't really think that this is worth it if the wait is hours.

You'll never be King
Prince: Daddy, I'm gay

King: That's wonderful son, happiness is hard to find and you should grasp it with both hands

Price: I'd like him to spend the summer with us.

King: Him who Eddy?

Prince: My boyfriend. I'm gay and I have a boyfriend 

King: Right, and what does your mother think about this?

(Enter the Queen, having overheard)

Queen: Mummy thinks that you can never have too many men about the house. 

War or Terrorism?
Irishman: For God

President: For freedom

Israeli: For Country

Tribesman: For my people

Sceptic: For oil

Realist: For power

Child: For peace

#truth
Hero: I'm brave as long as I've got someone else to put in front of the danger

Politician: I'm honest as long as nobody finds out the truth 

Footballer: I'm faithful because I'm not really in a committed relationship

Banker/BBC executive/Tabloid Editor: (In chorus) I'm generous with my greed

Consumer: I'm content with my insatiable hunger

Single Mother: I worry about nothing

Artist: I'm happiest when I'm in tears.

Dormiveglia 
Powers: Shhhh don't wake him

Principalities: He's sleeping sound enough

Powers: Give him this

Qaphsiel: Is he ready?

Principalities: The Almighty said he is ready. Give him his gift. 

Qaphsiel: Let us be sure

Powers: Here bestowed is a heavenly dream. To be used between waking and sleeping.  Use it well. 

Flown the nest
Gary: Can we get out of here as soon as possible

Louise: Are you ready now? 

Gary: I was ready half an hour ago. Let's go. I can't bare to see her cry.

Louise: Well say good bye then

Gary: Mum, I'm going now. I will see you soon, ok.

Claire: Will you come for your tea on Sunday?

Gary: Maybe. Let me see how I settle in. I'll see you soon though.

Duplicate Deliveries
Gladys:  I'm sure I've had this one before

Margret: No you can't have, this one's brand new

Gladys: But I've see it before. 

Margret: How could you have seen it before? They've only just come out.

Gladys: It's got the same pattern. I'm sure I've opened one like this before

Margret: Well get the other one then. We can compare them

Gladys: I would, but I can't for the life of me remember where I've put it. 

No H8
Elton: You anal astronaut, you batty boy, you Fudge packer, nancy boy.

Oliver: You're a shirt lifting sausage jockey, Oklahomo faggot

Feddie: A bent, pansy, poof.

George: Arse bandit, Bum boy

Quentin: A Fairy, A Fruit

Ian: You disgust me you Rump Ranger

Peter: Uphill gardening's you're favourite pursuit.

In one breath
Victory: I once was alone in the desert and a man as tall as a tree approached me and said I am here to show you the way home I looked at him with a wince through the sun and I shouted as loud as my parched voice would allow I said under no circumstance am I going back to that place I will not go with you and I do not need your direction for if you give it to me I shall only go the other way and the man as tall as a tree said if you run far enough in the wrong direction you will find your way home so I stayed here in the desert hiding in the sand dunes and I knew that one day you would come. And here you are.

Tick...tock
Jonesy: They don't get shot 'til ten fifteen. 

Dirk: On the dot.

Jonsey: I want confirmation

Baz: Jonesy lad, ye don't 'ave t' do this. Yer jokin' right? Come 'ed. pleaze. Mate just think abar this.

Jonesy: Ten. Fifteen

Baz: but me kidz lad. Me kidz.

Jonesy: You should have thought about your 'kidz' before rippling me off. (To Dirk) Stop his whining and do a knee now.

My Own. Personal. Yoda. (Facebook words of inspiration from Rikki Beadke-Blair)
Rikki: Do the right thing and refuse to be tempted. Follow your soul's path and decline to be distracted. Live a strengthening life and avoid the things that weaken. Searching for short cuts wastes time - scams are soul-stealers. The swiftest way to true happiness is the hardworking road. Do the work you know is right without resentment. With effort comes wisdom. With sweat comes satisfaction. Success is built from focus and flexibility. Build yourself, be yourself. Stay young. Stay passionate. Stay free.  Become the right one and the right ones will find you. Stay on the right path and the right journey will find you.
Shoes
Adam: If I’d like them I’d suck their nose.  Most of them had never experienced that before. It was my USP.  They’d remember if we’d chat online after, I could say, I’m the one who sucked your nose and he’d say ‘ah right.  Yeah.  I remember.’  Then I’d make a joke about the number of men they have on their mind. And they’d laugh. Romance is dead.  I’ve always known that really. When I was dating, I’d never stay over.  It was a rule.  There’s nothing worse than the walk of shame.  Have a good time, have a shower and leave.  Always.  Leave my email address, run my hands through his hair and leave. Always. 

Blind Date
Anthony: I going to write down the first seven lines of our dialogue and submit them for an art installation curated by the Everyman and Playhouse Theatre and LIPA

Timothy: That's the most romantic thing someone has ever said to me.

Anthony: It's true!

Timothy: We better make them good then

Anthony: Na, I doubt anyone will read this one

Timothy: Why's that? 

Anthony: I don't know, who wants to read about my blind dates? Would you like a latte or a cappuccino?

Late 
Business Man: (pulling up his trousers) I'm so sorry, I'm running late and my maps app has broken.

Office worker: It's ok would you make it  in the next half an hour (gestures for the secretary to resume sexual actions under the table) or would you like to reschedule.

Business man: if the traffic is good, I'll make it

Office worker: Well get your skates on old boy

Business Man: If I don't make office hours should we meet in the club?

Office worker: Not tonight, I have duties at home to perform, can't get out of them unfortunately. 

Business man: sure thing, I'll be there.


World
Voice one: Feed Me

Voice two: Cure me

Voice three: Hear me

Voice four: Love me

Voice five: Free me

Voice six: Don't change me

Voice seven: See what you've done


Nerves
Stage left: What if he doesn't like you?

Stage Right: what if he doesn't look like you thought he would

Stage left: He is going to hate what you are wearing

Stage Right: You should of had a longer shower 

Stage left: he's right, you should of had a longer shower

Stage right: what is he going to say about you? 

Stage left: he's not even going to stop. He'll walk right past you. 


Pro Bono
Man 1: I'm done.

Man 2: That was quick, what's the damage?

Man 1: well this one is for free

Man 2: Free? 

Man 1: Didn't they tell you?

Man 2: I don't think so

Man 1: Yes, part of my community service



Moon
Terry: the moon is my favourite thing in the sky

Maddie: you what?

Terry: It is, look at it

Maddie: (Laughs historically) You're stupid. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Terry: Oh, look. It's gone in now. You've offended it. 

Maddie: Me?

Terry: Yes, you. You can't laugh at the moon. He doesn't like it.


Resignation
John: I'm leaving. I can't work here any more.

Steve: Well good luck. Thank you for your hard work. It's the end of an era.

John: The end of an era? I never really thought of it like that

Steve: you'll be missed

John: I've changed my mind. I'd like to stay.

Steve: I've already accepted your request I'm afraid. You have 30 days left.

John: But what about my era?  


In Kind
Carl: I'm really enjoying this date

Alan: Me too, it's really nice meeting someone normal for a change.

Carl: So, I was going to ask, would you be okay paying me a bit of cash to suck my cock and that? I really need it right now.

Alan: What? No.

Carl: Not even five pounds?

Alan: I don't pay for sex.

Carl: I was only asking.

Drunk
Oddie: I've only had two

Manny: Two barrels

Oddie: two units, who's counting? 

Manny: I'm counting, you've had more than two

Oddie: how many?

Manny: How many? At least four

Oldie: See. It's you seeing double. Not me.

Upon a quandary 
Joe: I've never been asked that before

Tom: I think that I need sometime to come up with an answer

Joe: I just can't work it out now

Tom: When we've double checked it, we will let to know

Joe: we want to be sure

Tom: We don't want to get it wrong

Joe: At this stage, it is about being precise, rather than rushing headlong into something.

Eye of the Beholder
Queen (male): Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest one of all?

Mirror (female): It's not you Queenie, your ankles are too thick, you have a hairy chin and you look like a brick

Queen: My mother said beauty lies within

Mirror: And even your insides are as black as Sin

Queen: I've worked hard to mend my ways, I haven't ordered an execution in one hundred days

Mirror: O Queen, forgive me. I had no idea, still the dungeon's full. I do find that queer.

Queen: Mirror, Mirror I don't care what you speak. You came from Ikea and your judgement is weak.

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